Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey guys, here's some bonus content from the Saints that Serve podcast. I hope you enjoy it. Bonus Okay, we are dropping this bonus content because we need you, our audience, to help resolve this debate.

Speaker 2: 0:16

I don't understand.

Speaker 1: 0:17

It's not a debate, it's obviously a clear choice, dude, but I would disagree with your obvious clear choice because my choice is so obvious.

Speaker 2: 0:25

If it's a clear choice, then it's the obvious choice and you don't have to debate it.

Speaker 1: 0:31

Yeah, but your clear is like a swampy lake you can't see past the surface.

Speaker 2: 0:36

My clear- is like glass. Your clear is a human body, your father is not a glassmaker.

Speaker 1: 0:40

No, no, no, no. Anyways, okay, listen, guys. We got into this discussion after our most recent podcast recording and it got very heated very quick and we said we're gonna settle this bonus content style. So here we are.

Speaker 2: 0:55

I don't I don't even think this needs to be bonus. Content is is obvious. I don't know it needs to. I don't know we're gonna.

Speaker 1: 1:01

We're gonna take this out and we're gonna duke it out on the mics. So I have my defense for the legitimate side to take and you have your, your lies that you're gonna present oh, my lies my lies.

Speaker 2: 1:16

Okay, okay, that's right, I don't need lies, I'll have my facts prove me right facts, like the old machine that takes a million years to print something. Yeah, that's what I thought. Obviously, you can't read. We talk about it on the podcast all the time. F-a-c-t, bro, you know what Back off.

Speaker 1: 1:33

All right, you know what? No, no, no, no no.

Speaker 1: 1:35

No, don't back off. Go ahead, give me your first defense for where you know what. No, before we get into it. Everyone needs to understand where we're coming from. All right, so we were arguing about Twilight, and who is the best choice? Is it sloppy, lame, glitter-covered Edward, or is it the obvious choice of Jacob? Today must be opposite day. No, no, no, no, no, because you're wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, no, no, Because you're wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes. Team Jacob, here we go. Okay, go ahead. Tell me your number one reason why everyone should be deceived into being.

Speaker 2: 2:19

Team Edward. See, I'm the intelligent one, so I have my notes with me. So I'm going to read off my notes, because I bet you didn't bring any notes, did you?

Speaker 1: 2:29

No, I brought it from the heart, from the heart. That's right, because everyone knows that truth comes from the heart. Team.

Speaker 2: 2:36

Edward Cullen. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to face the facts. Team Edward is the only logical choice. Why, you ask? Well, first and foremost, edward Cullen, he's immortal bro, he's immortal. Jacob may have abs, bro, but abs fade. Immortality is forever. Edward's eternal youth means he's essentially a timeless boyfriend man. Bella deserves that, which is great for the date night photos Never a wrinkle in sight. Plus, can you imagine Edward in a skincare commercial For the undead glow? Picture it, bro. Picture it All right. Edward Cullen, he's immortal bro, he's immortal.

Speaker 1: 3:26

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, you're talking about abs. Here's the thing that everyone needs to understand. Jacob has abs that could grate cheese. Cheese is awful. Dude Dairy is the solution to all things around the world, and Jacob can grate it into delicious Mexican-style spread cheese on your tacos. All right, edward Cullen, he has the emotional range of a damp sponge. Okay, spongebob SquarePants can be more emotionally connected to you than Edward Cullen. All right, you just said a sponge is not emotional. Why brood for the eternity when you can flex forever?

Speaker 2: 4:08

Flex forever. Yeah, dude Bro is not immortal.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Jacob is a certified gym bro. Edward is a certified gloom bro.

Speaker 2: 4:16

A what?

Speaker 1: 4:18

Gloom bro.

Speaker 2: 4:19

What the heck is a gloom bro.

Speaker 1: 4:21

G-L-O-O-M Bro.

Speaker 2: 4:24

Whatever, you know what Edward bro? He has a Volvo. It's responsible, sleek and sophisticated. Meanwhile, jacob's motorcycle might look cool, bro. But good luck taking that to a formal event.

Speaker 1: 4:40

Dude, you're going to look like trash. Jacob's motorcycle screams freedom and adventure.

Speaker 2: 4:45

Dude, have you ever tried arriving at prom on a motorcycle? Not as glamorous as it you think, is it bro.

Speaker 1: 4:53

Yeah, but Edward's Volvo screams. I'm monitoring your every move.

Speaker 2: 4:58

Who would you trust to drive you through a thunderstorm? I'll take the eternal vampire with a luxury car over the shirtless wolf boy on a dart bike Nah dude Wind in your hair versus looming headlights in the rear view Jacob hot rod, edward hot mess. How about hotness? All right. And speaking of hotness, let's not forget about Edward's sparkling skin. He literally radiates like a diamond bro.

Speaker 1: 5:26

Yeah, but Jacob rocks the shirtless. Look like a pro.

Speaker 2: 5:30

Dude, you think Jacob's earthy must can compete with that?

Speaker 1: 5:34

Yeah, but Edward's sparkle is like a failed craft project.

Speaker 2: 5:37

Not a chance dude. Edward practically invented the concept of looking flawless under the sun. Plus, if you ever get lost, just follow the glitter.

Speaker 1: 5:47

Dude, confidence beats glitter every time. Jacob. Men's health cover. Edward. Bedazzled lawn ornament. Bedazzled lawn ornament. You heard me Bedazzled lawn ornament. At least my bro is not an animal, dude. Dude, if a lawn gnome and a lighthouse had a baby, it would be Edward Cullen.

Speaker 2: 6:10

And he would stand glorious, shining all to see, yeah all to see, and it would be wonderful for them all. Furthermore, edward brings drama and danger in a good way. Dude, listen, every single relationship needs just a little bit of spice sprinkled in. Every single relationship needs just a little bit of spice sprinkled in. And when your boyfriend can read minds and battle rogue vampires, life is never dull.

Speaker 1: 6:36

No, no, no, no, no. Jacob has a supportive werewolf pack. They laugh, fight and roast marshmallows together. Edward's family, tense, vampire standoffs and awkward piano solos Pack dinner, s'mores, cullen dinners. We're not like other vampires, listen dinner season.

Speaker 2: 6:56

I got three words for dinner. Okay, think about this. You're trying to eat your food, right Furry shedding season. Hair everywhere Hair in the food, hair in your drinks, hair, hair in the just clogging the drain, dude. Dating edward means dodging vampire assassins.

Speaker 1: 7:16

Dating jacob means vacuuming constantly he only has fur when he morphs into a wolf. It's not like it's around all the time. 24, 77. He is a fit, lean man. Jacob is naturally strong. No glitter, no problem. Edward's strength comes with existential dread. Real muscles beat sad boy telepathy. Jacob equals Jim Ratt, whereas Edward's more of a poetry club. President.

Speaker 2: 7:48

Okay, look, yes, he can read minds. Edward can read minds, right, that is a plus, that is a positive. It means he actually understands what you're thinking, no more, I'm fine misunderstandings, dude. Jacob, on the other hand, relies on good old guesswork. Spoiler alert he's wrong, like 90% of the time, jacob's strength is real, raw and earned.

Speaker 1: 8:10

No vampire powers necessary. Edward's strength, meanwhile, is overshadowed by his constant inner monologue I can lift a car, but what's the point of existence? Okay, buddy, maybe touch some grass dude.

Speaker 2: 8:27

Edward might be a vampire, but at least he doesn't shed like a golden retriever on a hot day. Your vacuum cleaner would thank you for going. Team Edward Jacob's shedding situation Enough to knit a new sweater every single month.

Speaker 1: 8:44

Jacob's connection to his wolf form is primal and majestic. Edward's vampire form, Pale, brooding and one misplaced sunbeam away from a my Little Pony tribute act. Jacob runs free in the wild. Edward hides in the shadows like the world's least festive pinata.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Okay, okay, look, look, look. Okay, I've proved my and you've talked okay.

Speaker 1: 9:13

I wouldn't say that. I would say that my point's very clear, and you have only talked about fur the entire time.

Speaker 2: 9:20

Fur everywhere is like the worst possible situation. There's not fur everywhere.

Speaker 1: 9:24

You keep on bringing it up like it's there and it's not.

Speaker 2: 9:27

Can you prove? It's not there.

Speaker 1: 9:28

Can you prove it is? Yeah, it's right there. No, no, no. My facts F-A-X maybe, no, no, no, no. You can't use my joke back on me. I just did my truth. Bombs, okay, have been made very clear and I'm confident to say that everyone listening is, if they're not already, team Jacob is becoming Team Jacob right now.

Speaker 2: 9:53

That's crazy, because those people must be morons, because everybody's coming over to Team Edward.

Speaker 1: 9:57

You heard that Every listener Jera, said that you're morons.

Speaker 2: 10:01

Only if you like wolf men, and I think that they all do. Listen, listen, okay, okay, just say your closing statement so we can get to me being right at the end.

Speaker 1: 10:11

No, no, no, You're not right, but I will, as a good and loving pro-Team Jacob, give you my closing statement. Team Jacob is about passion, adventure and a life well lived. No sparkle, no brooding, just a guy who will always have your back and maybe howl at the moon moon once in a while. Vote Team Jacob. The abs don't lie.

Speaker 2: 10:40

Edward is the original brooding heartthrob, the eternal romantic and the sparkling sensation we all deserve. The choice is clear. We all deserve the choice is clear. Vote Team Edward, because Sparkle always wins. I said it nice and slow so that somebody like a Team Jacob fan will fully grasp the truth of my words.

Speaker 1: 11:08

All right, it's there, it's out in the open. We've brought forth all the information I need to know in the comments who is on the right side Team Jacob and who's on the Doom and Gloom side Team Jacob.

Speaker 2: 11:20

No, you're Doom and Gloom, your team is awful.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Doom and Gloom is the sad, pale, sparkly vampire Heartthrob, handsome Heartthrob, because it's getting all the blood sucked out of it and it is wonderful when it happens. That's it, we're done. This is over, we're done. I'm leaving April Fool's.

Speaker 2: 11:54

April Fool's April Fool's April Fool's April Fool's April Fool's. Happy April Fool's. Everybody happy April Fool's. Twilight sucks, it's the worst. It's the worst.

Speaker 1: 12:09

This has been bonus content with the Saints that Serve podcast. Tune in every Monday for a new episode Bonus.